“Your ass has grown about one inch,” Frank informed me — only the exact words he used were “2 ½ centimeters.”
It was my first hour back in the Netherlands for Winter Break. I was jet-lagged, tired and surprised by how many people were standing in my living room, observing my looks. I took Frank’s comment as a compliment.
“Maybe you should limit your sugar intake for a while,” my mom said. Not a compliment.
“It’s definitely your ass. It’s interesting, because this skinny American girl from my university has a giant ass, too, just out of proportions,” Frank said, his eyes still focused on my behind. “That is interesting,” I agreed. Is it something in the American diet that causes ass explosions?
As soon as I got my feet back on campus, I realized that Frank had been right: The typical American butt is round and well-filled, regardless of that person’s body fat. A little side note: For my research, all Linfield students’ asses (yours included) involuntary participated, so my conclusions may not represent the entire country.
For my investigation, I had to read tons of articles and books about asses, ask my lab rats to keep a food and exercise diary and give some of them a traditional American diet (Dillin), others a multicultural one (Thai country, the French bistro and Italian pizza from Catty Shack) and tell others they were on the multicultural meal plan when in fact I gave them Dillin (placebo). (Just kidding, that’s neither multicultural nor is it healthier, and I know you know that, too.)
In fact, I believe that Americans are more aware of nutritional facts than Europeans are. Many Europeans, for example, believe that tomatoes don’t have genes, that genetically manipulated food changes our DNA and that genetically manipulated animals are way bigger than they would normally be. No wonder we Europeans are more skeptical about biotechnology.
My hypothesis is, despite the fact that I didn’t do any of the research (which basically gives you no reason to believe me), that your large booty didn’t come from the food you’ve been eating.
Yes, I do realize that Asians tend to have zero ass and that Latinos have more ass than body, but genetics don’t seem to explain why my own behind increased as the duration of my stay in the United States did. It is true that high estrogen levels can cause a pear-shaped body, but because almost every American has European ancestors, I can only assume that, genetically, we would carry the same butt.
Which led me to the only conclusion left: Those juicy American bottoms are a result of the many hours spent at the gym. No other culture is so inseparably linked with athletics — with competing, challenging and achieving. My friends from back home may consider me crazy since I told them that I am exercising daily over here — absolutely abnormal in the Netherlands — but now that my hard work has finally paid off, I can tell them to kiss my (steel) ass.

Doris Ter Horst
Columnist Doris Ter Horst can be reached at [email protected]