Squirreling around: maybe it’s time for a change

Laney Green, Staff Writer

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Saturday, February 27

To answer your question, yes, I am the squirrel you’ve been hearing all about. That one who hit up multiple squirrels around campus last week. I really thought I had my bases covered. I devised a plan that I could have sworn my life on would work; well, at least figuratively. 

I figured as long as I kept to the four corners of campus– Potter, the Greens, Mahaffey, and HP E– paths would never intersect and queries wouldn’t be a concern. But I must be off my game. With two out of four dates on my roster down, I was already the talk of campus and probably the town just based on proximity. Apparently, my four corner objective didn’t account for roommate pairings… I know, I realize I’m a fool. Living on such a small campus is getting tougher by the day. Everyone knows everyone knows everyone and their parents too. Even my own parents already heard about my Playboy Bunny (or perhaps Squirrel) incident. I think they’re mostly just mad because it seems I’ve tainted their Linfield love legacy. 

 

Friday, March 5

Oh dear, Dillan needs help. And no, this time I don’t mean Linfield’s dining hall. I’m talking about my buddy Dillan, you’ve probably seen him around. He’s a bit on the huskier side. He’s also the one whose fur resembles the color of Cheeto puff dust. His fur is actually what brought us together as friends in the first place: We were fighting over a fallen Cheeto and it ended in a nasty tussle. There is little either of us are not willing to do to get our paws on a Cheeto.* In the end, we decided to go halvsies and our friendship was born. 

Now all jokes aside, Dillan is in serious need of a makeover. I’m not doing too hot myself with my name still being scrutinized around campus for my player actions last week. We are both in need of a pick-me-up. It’s time to nail down exactly why Linfield squirrels are a different breed. 

 

To be continued…

~ a Linfield squirrel

*As squirrels we may love your leftover snacks, but it’s in our best interest that you don’t feed us human food. It seriously messes with our guts and growing dependency issues.