Stolen manuscript could spell disaster

Grant Beltrami, Staff writer

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Late Thursday night a group of rebel professors broke into Linfield headquarters and stole a collection of top-secret documents. Authorities fear that among the stolen documents was a manuscript written by the college’s founding fathers.

The suspect professors did not show up to teach their classes on Friday and have not contacted the college or the authorities with demands.

The authorities fears were confirmed when emails between the rebel professors detailed plans to use the century-old manuscript to create a smaller, even more powerful college.

After Linfield was founded in 1858 its founders realized that their methods were far too powerful to ever be shared with those who might wish to use them for evil. The containment protocol of 1859 dictated that the manuscript be kept under lock, key and an exceedingly heavy rock until such time that the world was in great enough peril to warrant the risk of its use. However, the founders couldn’t figure out how to get an exceedingly heavy rock inside the building so they went with a locking cabinet.

A spokesperson for Linfield said that there have always been professors and other faculty who believed the manuscripts should be studied. The technology described by the founding fathers could theoretically create a college so small and so powerful that simply walking through campus would instill all the knowledge of mankind in the minds of its students.

There was just one problem; this theoretical micro-college was so small that a person could not walk through it without crushing it under their feet. Some conspiracy theorists at Linfield are saying that the recent theft may have something to do with actor Matt Damon’s 2017 flop “Downsizing.”

The defense department issued a statement Sunday urging the professors to return the manuscript. Secretary of Defense James Mattis said that he fears creating a college so small and powerful could have the unforseen consequences of creating a fission explosion that could devastate the entire northwest region.

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Stolen manuscript could spell disaster