Time alone a personal choice, not a failure
April 12, 2015
It’s a cliché story that’s been told since middle school — The loner, sitting by himself at the lunch table, desperate for anyone to reach out and join them.
This narrative is widespread, but it ignores the norms and desires of introverted people.
American culture has a fundamental misunderstanding of being alone.
Being alone is not a sign of failure. It does not mean that a person is friendless, pathetic, or in need of sympathy.
More often than not, it simply means someone has chosen to be by themselves.
People who are perfectly happy and comfortable with themselves are often put into uncomfortable situations when these social pressures conflict with their personal needs.
My own experience in Dillin often speaks to these difficulties.
On particularly stressful days, days when I’m sick without a voice, or even if I’m just not in the mood to talk, I frequently choose to seek out a table with no other people.
Common responses range from,
“Are you okay?”
“There’s space over at our table…”
to, “You don’t have to sit by yourself, you know.”
Yes. I do know.
This is not to say I don’t enjoy a meal with others. It is simply that on occasion I may prefer not to, and that decision should be respected as a personal choice rather than a personal failure.
Some students may have a few short minutes to eat between classes. Finishing a meal and making it to class on time takes priority over succumbing to unwanted social pressures.
On the other hand, many people prefer to cope with personal problems or tragedies on their own. Having to maintain social appearances while dealing with inner turmoil can be an overwhelming combination for people with introverted tendencies.
What is the best way to react to a person who is alone?
The best first step is to avoid all assumptions.
Pay attention to body language and intentionality. Did they seek out a table far away? Are they facing away from the rest of the room? Do their eyes search for others, or do they seem focused on themselves?
If they seem content, consider letting them be.
Having to worry about social appearances and judgements is a source of discomfort which could easily be avoided with some deeper understanding of the differences between people.
Parker Wells can be reached at [email protected]
Mattie Wong • Apr 14, 2015 at 10:29 pm
Curious as to where this vibe of personal failure is coming from? In my opinion a good way to handle a situation where not all information is present (as in, is this person sitting alone because they wish to be or are they feeling down?) is to simply ask. Direct communication between both parties helps to alleviate these misunderstandings. Is a question like “are you okay?” so offensive to hear? Honestly, it sounds like people ask you these things because they care about you. I think it is very easy to respond in turn: “Yes, I’m all right, thanks for asking, I’d just really like to sit alone tonight and wind down from things.” There may be people sitting in Dillin who are feeling lonely and don’t know how to reach out to people, and I think it would be really great if we were there to support those people, rather than assume they’re fine (or agonize over the degree of the angle they’re facing the center of the room at). If that means that those people who prefer to eat alone have to suffer through a few questions of concern, it doesn’t seem too difficult a sacrifice to make. In all likelihood, if you explain that you occasionally prefer to eat alone, your friends will simply come to an understanding that this is normal for you, and their questions will become less frequent. Of course, people should certainly be respectful of your answer, and I agree that we should always remember that people have differing needs when it comes to social interaction, rather than judge them for it.